I just saw the title for a post titled ‘Zodiac Signs; in order of how often they give oral.’
And whilst that may be a riveting read, and yes I admit I clicked it to see where Scorpio was, and no I’m not telling, I thought I would write about something a little more…. hmmm serious?
Now, I’m sure we’ve all engaged in it at some point in our lives, or currently are. And I know this is meant to be a “travel blog” but this is also my personal blog and I wanted to be open and honest with something I’m currently dealing with that might be relatable to others. Cos… you know… helpful?
How I Stumbled onto This
This past weekend I went to Make it! Market.
An indoor market made up of over 100 vendors pedalling handmade wares!
(I find it so much more rewarding to buy unique and individual handmade pieces directly from the makers rather than something from Walmart. I mean there are times when needs must, but times are a-changing. CLIMATE CHANGE Y’ALL!)
Whilst I was there I bought this book, last minute as I was going out the door, I dashed back, almost threw the $20 at the woman grabbed a book and left.
I love it! I devoured the first 5 chapters in a day.
Then I came across a section that talked about fear of success and why most people won’t realise their potential and dreams.
It didn’t really resonate with me at first, I mean I know I’ve read similar to that before. But maybe it triggered (god I hate that word) something in me, subconsciously, to engage in that very negative behaviour that she was talking about.
Just so I could recognise the very worst in myself.
And no we’re not talking about procrastination 😦
So, what are self-destructive behaviours?
The following are examples of self-destructive behaviour:
- Drinking alcohol
- Cutting yourself
- Verbally lashing out at someone
- Avoiding other people or isolating yourself
- Using drugs
- Engaging in disordered eating (for example, fasting or purging)
- Throwing things
- Engaging in dangerous sexual practices (for instance, having unprotected sex or having sex with someone you just met)
- Using sleep to escape
- Threatening suicide
- Becoming violent toward others
- Threatening others
- Banging your head against a wall
- Pulling out your hair
- Attempting suicide
And I’m sure we can come up with a lot more that would fit the bill.
I am in no way a medical anything, so I’m not in any position to be giving any advice when it comes to this stuff. I’m just sharing my experience. Yours could be completely different and what works for one person might not work for another.
With that in mind, why do I personally engage in certain self-destructive behaviours?
Truth be told, all cards on the table?
Because it feels good.
It’s comfortable and familiar to be in so much emotional pain. Which sounds so strange to even type out.
Anger, guilt, shame, rage, grief. These come easily to me and I know them. When I first met Sean and started to travel I said to him, “I’m not used to being this happy for this long.”
I didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t like it.
Humans don’t like change.
We are naturally creatures of habit and want to stay in our comfort zone, (that’s why it’s called the comfort zone right?) but what if your comfort zone is unintentionally built on distrust, dysfunction and self-pity?
This isn’t to say I like it. Not in the slightest.
I wish I could move my comfort zone to something a little more ‘central’ ‘normal’ ‘productive’. And I imagine a hell of a lot of others do too. But it’s gonna take work.
Plus, PLUS! Sometimes it does feel like it’s made me more resilient in an odd way. I’m familiar with it so deep down I know I’ll survive it. It won’t kill me. Even though it tries too. So when something truly awful happens it’s like “Oh I know this feeling.” Rather than being caught off guard. Does that even make sense?
However, it’s all terribly, terribly unhealthy, unproductive and annoying. Like, stuff was going well recently! I have NOTHING to complain about, I’m happy and I have stuff to do today!! Ain’t no black dog gonna sit on my chest when I have a schedule to keep!
It’s so much easier to engage in the self- destructive behaviours but ultimately it’s not helpful or healthy.
And needs to be challenged.
If this speaks to you in any way I encourage you to challenge it. I’m going to. And I know life will be better for it.
And I know this is an EXTREMELY sensitive subject for people, but just know you can message me about anything! If you have any questions or concerns and I’ll try my best to answer ^_^ Much love!
(These open in a new window.)